Motivation

I must have hit my mid life crisis. I am 45 now, kids are both out of high school. My son is in college and My daughter is about to have her own family. I am not sure how I feel about being a grandpa, not that I have any say in the matter. I am sure I will love it though. Family is good, but I am a mess. Feeling a bit lost. In 2003 I went to my first LAN, Quakecon. It totally opened my eyes to a world I had no idea existed. It changed the course of my life. My life has revolved around Lan parties and the people I have met through them for the last 16 years. Quakecon changed over the years into an event I just did not enjoy, I continued to go to see the friends I had made. I started my own LAN just so I could see my friends more than once a year. That turned into a ton of work and expense. I just do not have the time or energy for any more. This year marked the first time I did not go to Quakecon since 2003. Back in the day I could not imagine a day I would not want to go. I still have a few peopel I would not mind seeing, but it is out weighed by a whole lot of toxic people I would rather never see again. So I did not go, and it was allot easier than I ever though it would be. With that chapter of my life firmly closed and in my rear view I find myself without focus for the first time in a very long time. I have allot of hobbies, a few things to keep me occupied, but no clear path. I thought about focusing on my Health, giving blogging a shot, streaming on Twitch, getting more into photography. All good tasks but nothing is giving me the drive I had and focus I had to have running a LAN. So I still feel a bit adrift at the moment. Maybe that is what a Midlife crisis is. Everything just feels MEH. I do miss having allot of people in my life but I do not miss the baggage they bring with them. Maybe a Midlife crisis is just not wanting to deal with other peoples shit any more. I am still Salty with sharp edges, the world is changing around me into a soft rage filled pillow full of keyboard warriors and their manufactured sensibilities. End of the day I need a hobby I guess, or a therapist. I am fine, I was fine before I met all the people in this last chapter of my life that stabbed me in the back, I will be fine after. Chock it up to life experience and move on to the next Chapter. For those of you continuing the journey I appreciate your company and your understanding. Now if you excuse me, I feel a weird need to go sports car shopping.